We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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