Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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