I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
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Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
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I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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