if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
