The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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