I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
