So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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