Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
