Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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