I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
