so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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