is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
