She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
