Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
