Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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