flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
