I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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