Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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