I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
