i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
