I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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