He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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