I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.