dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
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I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
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I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.