I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
