Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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