I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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