Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I want a musical about memes.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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