Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
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I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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