did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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