mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
