If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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