drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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