i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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