wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
