I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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