Soap is not a condiment
I think my vagina is haunted
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
