matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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