life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
