Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
