your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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