I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
