Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
