walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
