nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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