shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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