: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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