and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
