your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
