Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
