If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
