I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
