i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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