He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
