Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
