I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
