NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Holy sore nipples Batman
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
