So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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