My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
